Never

            I need to clear my mind. Away from despair. Away from craziness. Away from negativity. People keep telling me to stay positive, to have hope in things; to desire for a particular thing to happen, in any case.

            I’m just terrified. All these years, I thought I was. But no. I have never been this way before. It’s weird. At first, I didn’t think it would happen. I thought it would be like how it usually be, where it would be temporary, like it will fade away eventually, day by day. Now, I’ve realized that being like this, is just insane.

            It’s just that, having this, is what makes it difficult. I thought of it before, but never knew it would be real, until someone mentioned it. That moment after I heard it, I stopped whatever I was doing, I sat still and stared at a wall. I had a series of thoughts that distracted my attention that day, because everything made complete sense.

The Pendejos

            Pendejos. What is a pendejo? A pendejo is an idiot, a fool, or an asshole. An idiot is a stupid person. A fool is a person who acts unwisely or imprudently; basically a silly person. And, an asshole is, well, an anus, but in other term, it’s an irritating or contemptible person. In this story, the pendejos are not idiots nor assholes, but fools. And who are these fools? My buddies and I. We call ourselves, ‘Pendejos’.

            We are five in total. My buddies are Berry, Al, Adam, and Holmes. I’m Scharf. To be honest, we are sometimes asshole to each other and idiots, mostly on purpose and occasionally it’s in our nature, but I’m certain that we are fools. Complete fools, only if we are together. If we are separated, each of us will be a person who is exceptionally intelligent or creative, either generally or in some particular respect; in other summarized words, we are geniuses. We have exceptional intellectual or creative power or other natural ability when we are alone. Well, we are only geniuses in our own worlds. As in, we are smart when it comes to our interests; the things that we have a passion for.

            Like Berry and Adam, they are very good in education. When I say ‘very good’, I mean they are excellent at it. 100% top notch! Al, Holmes and I really want to be like them. From time to time, we would try to beat them in academic competition, just our own competition, not like a big competition where we can win prizes like money, technologies and etc. Though if it was a big competition, Berry and Adam would definitely win. We can win too, but the chances are low, however that doesn’t stop us from trying.

            Furthermore, Al and Holmes, they are good when it comes to socializing. The way they interact with others, it’s just impressive. When they make jokes, they can make everyone burst out laughing, not just burst out in laughter, but in tears too! Because their jokes are too funny. Berry, Adam and I make jokes too, but it’s not funny as theirs. Let’s just say that 5 of us can make jokes that are funny, but Al and Holmes’ are more entertaining, and they made lots of friends because of it.

            Some of you probably wonder what qualities I have, since I mentioned 4 of my friends’ characteristics. Well, mine, is probably just 25% in education, 25% in socializing, and the other 50% of the qualities are unnecessary things, like gaming, being weirder than others, being nice, being awesome to myself not to others, self-loving, being an idiot and etc. I don’t know. When it comes to education, I will either full-on study or full-on procrastinate. No joke. If I procrastinate the first week of exams, I will procrastinate the whole exam weeks. I have to get the vibes in order to study. And when it comes to socializing. God. Help me and the people I interact with. My jokes aren’t even amusing to others. I will make lame puns and people would roll their eyes, or look at me weird because the pun isn’t funny. And I will either be anxious or easygoing when socializing with others. That’s enough of bad things about me. Let’s move on to good things about me. Okay, let’s see. I can make inspiring metaphors/analogies. I guess that’s good. I would go deep and meaningful. Though some people say I overthink and call me crazy because of this, but hey, it’s how I live my life. You either hate it or roll with it, because some people understand my metaphors/analogies and got inspired by them.

            Anyways, back to the main topic. We are the pendejos. We make a great team since 2 of us are intelligent, the other 2 are outgoing and the last one, me, is the noob and weird one. The person who is inexperienced in a particular sphere or activity and who is uncanny. Together, we teach each other in education, socializing, and being weird, that’s my job. Sometimes my weirdness can open their eyes, or can make them avoid me.

-

 

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Interment

            The weather today is cloudy like yesterday. Only this time it is darker. Darker like the days I've gone through. Non-stop sadness. Cried every night, that I can't even rest myself. Even if I can't sleep, I'm still wishing this is just a dream. I keep telling to pinch myself so I would wake up from this horrible dream. A dream where there is no joy at all. No matter how hard I try, I just can't.
            Will it rain today? I hope not. That'll make today even sadder.

            "I hope I'm not late." I said to myself as I was about to reach the door. "That would be rude."

            I opened the door.

            "We gather here today, to endure the pain of the person who passed away, David. David knew many people in his life. He made a lot of friends. But sadly, he died alone in his home, with no one to say goodbye to him. All of us here, wish we did say goodbye to him. But right now, he's not alone. He's with his family and friends." said the priest.

            Oh, it just started. Glad I wasn't late. I tried to find a place for me seat, but the church is fully packed. I can't believe David knew all these people. I thought he was the type of person that prefers fewer friends by his side. The friends that are close, the best of best friends. I don't really know him to be honest, but the sad thing is that he's my first cousin and I barely know him. Mom told me right after I woke up that today was his funeral. I only slept a total of 2 hours last night because I'm still sad after what happened 2 days ago and I kept waking up in the middle of the night. I hope the people here won't notice my eye bags. I covered it with makeup just so people won't see them. Oh look, there's a seat there beside the couples. I went there and sat down.

            "Now, Kathy, a friend of David, since they were children, will give a eulogy." the priest told everyone in the church.

            Oh, Kathy! I’ve heard of her before. There was a family reunion few years back, and I eavesdropped, not on purpose though (well, it was because I was sitting alone that time and I was bored) a conversation my mom and David's mom were having. They were talking about David and Kathy and how cute they are if together. David's mom told that David had a crush on her ever since they were 11 or 12. They kept talking about Kathy for like an hour and I got annoyed with it. I kept rolling my eyes because they kept saying that how awesome she is and such, her makeup, how beautiful she is. Then they babbled about other things which made me lost interested.
            And there's Kathy, going up to the podium, about to give the eulogy. Oh, now that I see her for the first time, she is beautiful. The conversation my mom and David's mom had was right. I understand why David liked her.

            "Hi everyone." Kathy greeted.

            No one responded. Not even a single word, only sniffs. They were in grieve I guess.

            Kathy cleared her throat and continued, "Um, okay. David. David was a friend of mine back when we were 7 years old. I was bullied by these popular girls back in school when we little. They would pick on me, call me names, pull my hair and more. And then, there was David. David used to eat chewing gums a lot back then, so he told the popular girls to stay away from me, or else would place his chewing gum he chew and place it in their hairs. The girls were scared because one of their reasons that they're popular was because of their hair. They would talk how soft they are, how curly and how beautiful they are with their hair. Anyways. David was my hero. He saved me from the girls that always bullied me. He was there for me. Ever since then, David and I are best friend. In fact, forever. But sadly, David died alone. I know I can't blame myself for this, but I wasn't there for him. If David knew I was hurt, he would come straight away to see me. That's what I like most about him. A friend who will always be there for you. A friend who will give his shoulders for you to cry on. A friend who would listen to your every problems and would support you in any situation. A friend that never gave up on your hopes and dreams. He will always have faith in you. I wasn't there for you, but I'm here now. We all are. Your friends. Your families. We all wish we could say goodbye. The very last goodbye. Rest in peace David."

            After Kathy delivered that eulogy, everyone burst into tears. Kathy was sobbing while she going down the podium. I teared up a little, but mom and David's mom. Wow. They cried so much, they needed another box of tissues. Few more eulogies were delivered from friends and families of David, then it started to rain outside. The church got darker. Someone stood up, and switched on the light. The church is much more beautiful with the lights inside and with the color-stained windows.
            It’s time for the burial. Everyone stood up and went outside. They all had their umbrellas with them. The burial is just outside the church, down the hill. The people who are going to carry the coffin will have a difficult time, especially with this weather. The soil could be slippery too! I didn’t bring my umbrella by the way, so I had to deal with the rain. I was going to ask if the people here want to share, but they already left the church and right now they’re going downhill. My jacket doesn’t have a hoodie, so I had to cover my head with the back of my jacket, took a deep breath, and ran outside.

            Here I am standing in the rain, with no umbrella, alone. I’m soaking wet, from head to toe, and no one wants to share their umbrella.

            “Excuse me. Would you like to be under my umbrella?” a man asked.

            “Yeah! Sure! Please.” I said.

            God it’s cold. I’m shivering. I will probably have a fever tomorrow.

            “How did you know David?” the man questioned me out of the blue.

            “Oh. Um. David is my cousin.”

            “Oh okay. Sorry. I’m Tommy.”

            “Um. Hi Tommy. I’m Sam.”

            It’s weird how he apologized and gave me his name. I had to give mine away because I don’t know why. It felt rude if I didn’t give mine. I think he is trying to flirt me.

            “You seem familiar. Have I seen you before?”

            “Huh? I don’t think so?”

            “Have you been to the local café in this town before? Because I think I’ve seen you there.”

            “Oh yeah. I’ve been there. Actually, I was there two days ago.”

            “Hm. Two days ago. Oh? Oh. Now I remember! You are the girl who fought with the other two teenage boys. I was there. I was the barista. You had a difficult time to choose which pie you wanted.”

            “Oh my god. I was embarrassed after I left the café. It was just a silly argument. Oh and yeah. The pies there, are to die for!”